


Road to Recovery

by Jikeda



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Broken Dean Winchester, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15862071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jikeda/pseuds/Jikeda
Summary: Starts off as a rewrite at the end of season 13 episode 5. A few things that happened in the series before that point happen differently here, be prepared. Dean's reaction to Castiel's return is a bit different, things get out of hand, and so begins the road to discovering what exactly they mean to each other and how far their ‘profound bond’ stretches.Starts off a little slow but will heat up in later chapters.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own SPN, the characters, the impala, or any associated components.

 

_(music) It's never too late, to start all over again_

Dean's thoughts wandered, reliving recent events as his foot pressed down on the accelerator pedal of the impala, pushing baby just that little bit faster. It was a few hours since they left that house, that nightmare, that kid... It had been the last straw that broke his resolve, not being able to help the kid. If he was being honest with himself, part of him had been hoping the shot didn't work. Part of him wished that Billie would have just thrown him out into the empty, fate of the world be damned.

When they got into the impala, Sam had spent the first hour bugging Dean with stupid questions that bounced around inside his skull. _What else did Billie say. Where were they driving. Why would he take a risk like that._ He ignored them, every single one, red rimmed eyes focused on the road while his hands gripped the wheel until his knuckles turned white. _Why couldn't he care about_ _ **anything**_ _._

That last bit had got him, and before he could check himself he'd finally snapped at Sam to shut the friggin hell up about it. He saw the hurt expression on his brothers' face but chose to ignore it. Now, though, with Sam quietly snoring beside him and nothing but the long road to focus on, his mind wandered back to the conversation they'd had at the house.

* * *

Sam's eyes flickered over his brothers' face, and he frowned. "You okay?"

"No," Dean answered, and watched the surprise on Sam's face. "Sam, I'm not okay. I'm pretty far from okay."

Sam's face fell, frown lines creasing his forehead as he watched his brother and let out a slight sigh. He didn't say anything though, knowing that if he did Dean wouldn't let the rest out.

"You know my whole life," Dean started, eyes flickering and chewing at his bottom lip occasionally to force back the moisture in his eyes. "I always believed that what we do was important. No matter the cost, no matter who we lost, whether it was Dad, or Bobby, or-"

He stumbled over the name, couldn't say it - it felt like a lump of molten lead in his throat, burning and bringing tears of pain to his eyes. He didn't look at Sam - couldn't stand to see the pity in his brothers' eyes - so he focused on a point just over Sam's shoulder and continued talking, blinking back the tears.

"And I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting; Dammit Sammy, we both kept on fighting, because we believed that we were making the world a better place. But now..." Dean trailed off, gritting his teeth in a grimace and shaking his head. Tears were pricking his eyes and he looked away, afraid that if he said another word they would spill over.

Sam on the other hand, already had tears in his eyes as he stared at his brother. He knew why Dean couldn't continue what he was saying, knew who he was thinking about, and it broke him inside that his brother had to suffer so damn much.

"So now what, you don't believe it anymore?" He asked quietly, without accusation in his voice, only a miserable sort of understanding.

"I don't know. I don't know." Dean's voice shook as his eyes met Sam's - and Sam dropped his gaze, unable to meet the complete devastation in Dean's look. "I just need a damn win."

Dean turned away then, signalling that he was completely done with the chick flick moment as he slipped behind the wheel of the impala. Sam stayed for a moment, absorbing what had just happened. Dean had actually opened up for a change. Not totallly, though, and as he walked toward the impala he whispered to himself, "No, you need Cass." and he wished that he could give Dean what he needed. But Cass was gone, dead and burned, and Sam knew that Dean would probably never get over it.

Sam knew he couldn't bring the angel up again. So instead, he slipped into the passenger side of the impala and began the drive home, hoping to get another moment of truth from his brother. He was, naturally, disappointed.

* * *

Dean glanced into the seat beside him at the form of his very asleep, loudly snoring brother. He regretted snapping at him - Sammy was just trying to help, after all. But facing the loss of Cas was something he just couldn't bring himself to do, and he didn't understand why. There were alot of things about his friendship with Castiel that he didn't understand.

Like why Dean would lift his head moments before Cas would appear, as if he knew the angel was coming. Why their bond only seemed to strengthen no matter what the world threw at them. And why Castiel was the only person who ever could have that close a bond with him. He let his eyes close for a moment as he drove on a straight section of road, pushing the emotions that were rising back down into the pit of his stomach - curling it into that tight ball of pain that had been gathering inside him for months, nearly suffocating him with it's intensity.

Dean snapped out of his thoughts as his cell started to belt out the tunes of an incoming call over the low volume music he'd been listening to. He frowned, not recognising the number, and shot a look at Sam. His brother was still sleeping, so he couldn't pass the call over. A sigh slipped out as he gathered himself, then lifted the cell to his ear.

"Yeah." Proper greeting be damned, he wasn't in the mood.

"Dean."

The voice sent chills running up Dean's spine, and his breath hitched because it just wasn't possible.

"Dean?" Sam asked groggily, his eyes opening.

Dean's eyes flickered to his brother who sat up, instantly alert by the look in dean's eyes.

"I'm coming." Dean breathed, then in one motion he tossed the phone to sam, pulled on the handbrake and spun the wheel.

"Dean what the hell?!" Sam yelled, dropping the phone and bracing against the dash so he wouldn't be thrown around the cab. "DEAN?!"

But the older brother refused to answer, afraid that he would loose all courage, hope, feeling if he spoke a single word. So instead he shifted gears and slammed his foot down, forcing the wheels to spin and the car to jump into the night as if propelled by hellfire in the opposite direction they had been travelling. Towards home.


	2. Two

Forty five minutes later Dean brought the impala to a screaming stop right at the entrance to the bunker, headlights shining on the door. Sam dared to glance at his brother, confusion winning out over anger. After such a mad rush to get here, breaking almost every speed limit and road rule that existed, Dean was now frozen in his seat, just staring at the door.

"Dean, what's going on?" Sam whispered, adjusting himself to sit back in the seat, staring at the open door to the bunker.

"I- I don't know." Dean whispered back.

Then he was gone, slipping out of the impala and striding toward the door. Sam rolled his eyes, wishing Dean would just tell him already, then scrambled to get out of the car and follow. Dean had left the door wide open and Sam pulled it shut behind him, taking the steps two at a time until he reached the bottom and-

And then understanding dawned, followed by shock and confusion, and disbelief. It was Castiel, standing in the middle of the room, eyes trained intensely on Dean.

Dean was standing stock still, breathing heavily, only metres away from the angel. Whether his short breath was from the exertion of running or purely emotion, he didn't know. He didn't really care as he stared into those oh-so-familiar blue eyes. Neither of them spoke at first, eyes locked on each other as if they were the only two people in the universe.

"Cas... How are you here?" Dean's voice broke on the words, and he stopped, trying to push back the tears. That coil of emotion was pressing, ready to explode at the drop of a pin.

"Dean-" His name slipped from Castiel's lips like a fervent prayer, raw and needy, and it broke him.

All that emotion that he was bottling up came to a head, then exploded and all thought left his mind. His body moved of it's own accord, two long strides closing the distance between the two, and the next thing he knew his lips were on Castiel's, and it was terrifying and sweet and everything he could never have imagined and oh, god so much more.

Castiel was shocked into stillness for but a moment; then a soft moan parted his lips, his eyes dropped closed, and his body melded with Dean's, arms wrapping around his shoulders to pull him in. Dean felt a sharp pain in his chest as though his heart physically flipped, and suddenly it was like their bond was tangible, a strong golden rope wrapping around their souls...

Tears ran freely now from Dean's closed eyes, his hands moving to catch Cas' face between his palms, drawing him closer than was possible. He _needed_ Cas in this moment with everything that he was. This was unbidden, untamed, desperate and he couldn't control his movements as the kisses grew deeper, more urgent, trying to make Cas feel everything that he had gone through in the time he had been gone. Tears formed and dripped from Castiel's closed eyes as he felt the pain of the hunter, matching his desperation, pulling him closer than possible, promising in his thoughts to never let him go again-

Then Sam coughed in the background, and everything shattered.

Dean jumped back from Cas as though he'd been burned, his eyes wide open, confused and terrified and disbelieving. His hand shook as it covered his mouth, a look in his eyes that screamed what the fuck did we just do?

"Dean-" Castiel took a step forward, pain flashing through his eyes as Dean pulled away.

And then he was gone, leaving Castiel feeling broken and more empty than he had ever felt before as he heard Dean's door slam shut and a lock click into place.

"What the hell..." Sam muttered.

Castiel lifted his eyes to meet Sam's dumbfounded expression, his eyes flicking between Castiel and the direction of Dean's room.

"I'm sorry." Castiel whispered, dropping his eyes to the floor. "I don't... understand."

"No Cas, it's.." Sam's expression cleared, and he gave the angel a faint smile. "It's okay. It's good to see you. But... How?"

"I don't know." Cas muttered, dropping into a seat.

He raised his hand to brush away the tears that had gathered on his cheeks. He felt exhausted, after the trip to the bunker, and then Dean... He had to fix this. He started to stand, but Sam put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him down, shaking his head.

"Give it time, Cas."

He looked at Sam in surprise. "You're... Not angry?"

"Angry?!" Sam choked on a laugh. "Why would I be angry? Cas, you're back, and I don't know how but... It doesn't matter. This is amazing."

Castiel just continued to stare at Sam in confusion, tilting his head slightly the way only he could do.

"Oh." Sam dropped his eyes. "You mean about.. That?" He used a hand to indicate between Cas and the direction of Dean's room.

"Yes, that." Castiel answered, an almost physical pain lancing through him as he glanced in that direction.

"Nah, man." Sam answered with a half smile. "I'm pretty sure you two are the only ones who couldn't see it coming."

"Oh." Castiel's eyebrows drew together slightly as he stared at his hands, open and resting on his knees. "These... emotions... Are confusing."

"Tell me about it. Didn't see that second part coming, though." Sam replied, half sarcastically. When he saw the look on the Angel's face, though, he sighed in sympathy. "Okay. Let me grab a few beers and then, I think we'd better have a talk."

Cas just nodded and kept staring at his hands as Sam turned and headed toward the kitchen.

"Oh and Cas?" Sam stopped, turning back to see Castiel lift his head and look at him. "It's really great to have you back."

"Thankyou, Sam." Cas smiled dimly as the hunter walked away.

_'How did things get this bad'_ Cas thought to himself in the silence. He felt broken and rejected, like he had found his soul and had it ripped away a moment later. He knew one thing - no matter what happened, things would never be the same.


	3. Chapter 3

 

* * *

Dean didn't even think, he just ran. When the door slammed behind him, he dropped to his knees, then pitched forward, hunched over with his head in his hands. The tears wouldn't stop, no matter how hard and painful his grip on his hair became.

'Dammit Dean why, why did you do that?!' He yelled at himself, face pressed into the floor.

It felt like his chest was ripping open, like he was in hell again having his skin shredded. Now that the emotions had started to leak through he couldn't stop them, and the pain was coming in waves so intense that he could clearly understand why it was referred to as being 'broken'. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, all he could do was rock himself in a huddle on the floor, letting the waves of pain wash over him.

* * *

"Thankyou." Castiel accepted the beer Sam passed him gratefully, and took a large swig, then scrunched his nose. "It tastes awful."

"You get used to it." Sam replied, a smile playing on his lips. "So, what happened?"

Castiel just stared at him and slowly raised one eyebrow. "Which part?"

"Right. Um, well I guess how did you come back?"

Castiel sighed, took another mouthful of the beer and sat back in the chair. "I don't really... Remember it, so much? Just... I was in this place, and there was a being... I wasn't meant to be awake, but somehow I was. And... Well I think I annoyed said being enough for it to send me back."

Sam choked slightly on his drink, laughing at such a simple explanation. "That sounds like something you would do. And so you just woke up here?"

Castiel smiled in spite of himself, then stared down at the drink in his hands. "No. I woke up some way from here though... I seem to have come back with my 'angel powers' fully intact, so it didn't take me long to get back here." He frowned then, adding. "Although... I also appear to have come back with completely human needs also. This confuses me."

Sam cocked his head to the side, frowning. "What kind of human needs?"

"Eating. Sleeping. All of it. I don't understand this, Sam. One can either be human, or an angel. Not both, unless one is nephilim, and even then the human side is... Less intense."

"Hm." Sam had nothing to add on that, but it certainly was confusing him. "Oh, speaking of Nephilim-"

"Jack!" Cas sat forward suddenly. "Is he-"

Sam smiled slightly. "He's with Mom, Jody and the girls at the moment. Cas, he's amazing."

Castiel frowned slightly. "He's with... Why isn't he here?"

At that, Sam's face dropped. "Cas, you gotta know... When you died, Dean broke. For a week he wouldn't even speak to anyone. He just drank and slept."

Castiel let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes, wishing he didn't have to hear the pain Dean had went through. But, he had to - because he had felt some of it when Dean kissed him, that pain and loss and anger. Now he needed to understand what happened, so he could make it right. So he could fix his hunter.

"The second week he talked - but only about work, and he was just so damn angry. With everyone. Everything. It.. We couldn't have a baby around him Cas, it would have been too dangerous." Sam's hand flickered to touch a fairly fresh scar on his cheek, remembering how it happened. He'd lost his cool and told Dean to man up, that Castiel was never coming back - and Dean threw a blade at him. "So Mom and Jody sort of just decided that they would look after Jack, until - well, IF dean ever recovered."

Castiel took a long, deep drink from the beer bottle, draining the last of it. Wordlessly, Sam opened another beer and passed it to him. Castiel had not missed the movement of Sam's hand to that scar, and he didn't have to ask how. He just knew. He ran a hand back through his hair.

"And the third?" His voice was quiet now, truly rocked by the depth of Dean's despair.

"The third week-" Sam's voice broke then, and he shook his head, eyes glazing over slightly. "The third week he shut down. Cas, it was worse than when he was a demon. He just... it was Dean, but it wasn't, you know?"

"I don't quite.. Understand." He couldn't imagine what Sam was saying.

"I mean there was nothing. Just nothing. No sadness, no anger, nothing at all. He was a shell that just worked... It was... Well, I honestly started to wonder if his soul-" Sam stopped, gritting his teeth. He didn't like to talk about being without a soul, even after so long, but that was exactly what Dean had been like. "Cas he acted like me with no soul. But worse. I kept expecting things to change, somehow something would click and he'd start getting better. But it's been six months, man, and nothing."

Castiel tried to form words, but he couldn't find anything that would be right to say. He had no idea that his being gone, him of all people, would have such an effect on Dean. Part of him wondered if he had done something to cause him to react that way - and he hated himself for the possibility. Finally, after minutes had passed and he had finished the second beer, he looked up at Sam.

"But why?"

"Seriously?" Sam scoffed, shaking his head. "Cas... Either you're seriously dense, or you have very low self esteem. Maybe both. But I'm not going to answer that. It's something you need to work out with him."

"I don't understand any of this." Castiel huffed, frustrated. Then a thought dawned on him. "But earlier- When Dean came in here, he wasn't like that at all. He recovered?"

"Um. No, not really." Sam frowned then, staring at his own beer as he tried to sort the thoughts properly. "It was strange. And sudden. We'd just finished working a job, and a few hours before you called he suddenly had... Something. Emotion. I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he... He felt something, and actually said that he wasn't doing okay, talked about it for like a minute. Not much but for Dean, that's huge."

Castiel suddenly went still, the beer bottle halfway to his mouth, as an impossible thought crossed his mind. "Sam, this will sound strange but... What time was it?"

Sam frowned at the odd question, then tried to think. "Um. Around noon, maybe?"

"That's impossible..." Castiel breathed, his eyes widening.

"What is?"

"That this happened... Right as I landed on this earth again."

The two of them locked eyes, realisation dawning at the same time as confusion.

"How-" Cas started.

"I don't know. But we need to find out." Sam said quickly, pulling out more beer. "Research time. Now."

Dean had rolled onto his side, curled into a ball. The waves had finally receded and now he was left feeling cold and empty, broken by so much emotion. He stared blankly at the wall, blinking away each tear that still came. And he stayed like that, slightly shivering from the shock, until he passed into a fitful sleep.

"Here." Sam looked up truimphantly, then pushed a book toward Castiel.

Cas looked up from the laptop, and took the book from Sam. His finger drifted down the page, following as he read the old script. With each word his eyes got slightly wider, and when he had finished, he moved back to the middle of the page, reading it aloud

"And should the spirits of two beings pure in form and intent be paired, a bond may be formed which will stretch through dimension and space..." Castiel blinked and looked up. "Sam this is... You think this may have happened? But how? When?"

"Possibly when you - uh - how do you put it... 'Gripped him tight and raised him from perdition?" Sam smirked slightly at the uncomfortable look on Castiel's face. "It does make sense when you think about it, Cas. You've always had this weird bond that nobody else had or could explain."

They went silent then, each pondering the possibility. And Sam was right - it made sense.

"Hey, Cas?" Sam sat up, suddenly remembering something. "When you called Dean, what did you say to him?"

"Hm? Oh - nothing, just... His name. The line went dead before I could say any more."

"So, then, how did he know you were here?" Sam asked, and confusion crossed Castiel's face. "I mean, you got a new phone, so he couldn't trace you. And you didn't tell him, so..."

"He knew somehow." Castiel finished, a light of hope dawning in his eyes. "Just the same as I felt him drawing nearer."

Sam just smiled, a knowing sort of smile that Castiel found odd. "I think it's time you went and sorted this out, don't you?"

Castiel frowned, fear and doubt creeping into his face. But he nodded and finished the beer in one gulp, then stood. He turned toward the direction that Dean had gone, then hesitated, looking back at Sam. Sam just nodded, with a little smile.

"Go. Everything will work out."

"Sam. Thankyou." Cas said softly, then turned again and began what felt like the longest journey of his life.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel hesitated, staring at the dark wood in front of him. He felt terrified, a strange concept to him. But there it was, fear coursing through him so intense that his hands were shaking as he raised one to knock. He paused - what if this broke everything they had?

_But what if it doesn't_ , a tiny voice whispered in his head.

Castiel took a deep, bracing breath, then gently rapped on the door three times.

"Dean?" His voice sounded small and pathetic to his own ears. "Dean, please let me in."

Silence.

"We have to talk about this, please." Cas begged.

"Cas" It was the softest of sounds, but he heard it and froze. "Cas... Don't leave me please, please, god, don't leave me..."

His eyes widened as he heard the panic in the soft voice. "Dean?"

There were no more words, but he heard faint sobs on the other side of the door, and it was all he could do not to kick the door down. He took a more civilised approach, touching a finger to the doorknob and releasing a tiny bit of grace, just enough for the click to signal it was unlocked.

"Dean, I'm coming in." Cas warned, then pushed the door gently open.

Dean was still curled on his side on the floor, but his eyes were closed though tears still leaked from them, his body shaking with quiet sobs. He was dreaming. "Cas please, no..." The fearful words slipped from his lips, and it broke Castiel to hear them. He crouched down next to Dean and gently reached a hand out - but as soon as he touched the hunter he was overwhelmed by a torrent of emotions that literally took his breath away, leaving him gasping for air. The strongest was pure, unfiltered fear.

Castiel rocked back on his heels, his hand snapping back to his chest and breathing hard. As though a switch had flipped, the emotions fled and left him only with his own pain. Confusion clouded his eyes as he glanced at the hunter - Dean had not stirred yet, but he had stopped talking although his face was still a mask of fear and pain.

Cautiously, Castiel reached his hand out again and touched his side. Again the emotions poured into his heart and mind, and he audibly gasped. It was still overwhelming but, having been prepared, he found he was able to maintain the contact. And somehow, he instinctually knew how to help.

His eyes burned blue as his grace activated, and he could suddenly feel the thread that connected them together. It was an almost tangible thread in his mind, connecting his soul to Dean's. He followed it, feeling a tear drop down his cheek as he felt the absolute chaos in Dean's soul.

"No, Cas." Dean groaned underneath his touch, his entire body tense and rigid.

Then Castiel saw it, just a glimpse, but it must have been what Dean was dreaming. His body, pale and lifeless atop a pyre. Dean's hands holding a lighter, ready to toss it into the pile.

"No." Castiel whispered. "You will not suffer this again."

Without knowing how, Castiel siphoned the images away from his mind, drawing them out like pulling poison from a wound. He could feel his strength waning as he used more of his grace, just as surely as he could feel the despair leaving Dean and entering his own soul. How he could do it, he didn't understand - but he knew it was working as he felt Dean slowly relax under his hand.

Then as suddenly as it had begun, the connection was severed, and Castiel was thrown back with an unknown force. He landed on his back, breathing hard as though he'd run a race. The emotions he had felt in dean continued to whirl inside his chest, leaving him breathless with the anguish. Nothing he had felt during his time as a human or otherwise even came close to what he was feeling now, what remained within him despite his touch with dean being severed.

Once he had pulled himself up to sit again, he glanced over at Dean. He was relaxed now, and quiet, an almost peaceful look on his face. He still hadn't woken, curled on his side, but the tremors and sobs were gone as though they had never existed.

Castiel, however, was shaking as he raised himself on unsteady legs and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. With one hand on the wall to steady himself, he made his way back out to the main room, finding it empty. Carefully and, very slowly, he made his way to the table, then slumped against it with exhaustion. Tears were tracking down his cheeks now, the anguish in his heart making itself known. And for the first time in his memory, Dean was not the brother he called.

"SAM!"

* * *

"Wow." Sam breathed, rocking back in his chair.

After Castiel had called out, Sam had first helped him regain his strength with coffee and food, then they had stayed up the rest of the night discussing what had happened. It was now morning, and they had just finished talking about what Castiel was feeling and the image he had seen. Sam ran his hand back through his hair, staring at the exhausted angel in front of him.

"I've never heard of anything like this, Cas." He finally said quietly. "Have any of the other angels ever-"

"No." Cas answered with a sigh. "I have searched my memories, and if ever there was such an incident it would have been... dealt with."

"Oh." Pause. "So should we be expecting interference?"

"No. Heaven does not possess the resources right now."

"Hm." Sam grunted, his eyes distant as he pondered. "I wonder though, why now? You've always had a bond, but not this... uh, intense I guess. So what's changed?"

Castiel shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe-"

They stopped suddenly as dean entered the room, rubbing a hand sleepily through his hair. Castiel ran his eyes over the man, appraising him. He wore the same clothes he had come home in yesterday, wrinkled from where he had slept. Yet he seemed better than he was the night before, both in his appearance and through what Castiel could feel.

"Coffee?" Dean grunted, barely catching Castiel's eye for a second before directing the question to Sam.

"Got some last night." Sam answered, nodding toward the kitchen. "Instant."

Sam had indeed gone out last night - since they had barely been at the bunker for months, they had no supplies. When Castiel went to Dean, Sam had left to find a late night convenience store. He'd brought back plenty of supplies, among which had been a large jar of coffee.

Dean nodded his thanks and shuffled past them, headed for the kitchen and blessed coffee. He tried to ignore Castiel sitting there with his worried, tired face, but he could feel the angel watching him until he left the room. He also ignored the tingling that crept from the base of his spine at the thought of Cas watching him, putting it down to his nerves being on edge.

In the kitchen he made himself a fast coffee, frowning as he took the first few sips. Instant wasn't his favourite, but it would do in a pinch. And right now it wouldn't have mattered if it was the cheapest, bad tasting coffee, he still would have drunk it.

After a second cup of coffee, he started to make breakfast from the supplies that Sam had brought home - bacon, eggs and toast. He heard Sam's approach before he saw his brother, but decided to ignore him until he spoke. He was really getting good at this ignoring thing.

"Might want to put another plate out for Cas."

He turned sharply to meet Sam's gaze, confusion on his face.

"Yeah. By the way, Castiel needs to eat, sleep, and generally be human. Guess you'd know that if you weren't throwing a tantrum."

Dean scowled at the last part, biting back whatever he had been planning to say in favour of ignoring his brother. He did, however, add more bacon and eggs to the pan and pop in some more toast. He pulled another plate from a cupboard, adding it to the two on the bench, then busied himself making three cups of coffee.

"Dean-"

"Don't." Dean cut him off, stopping all movement as he looked up to meet Sam's eyes. "I know what you wanna talk about Sammy, and just don't, okay?"

"No." Sam pursed his lips, breathing through his nose. "Dammit Dean, to hell with that. You're not the only one in pain here, yeah?"

Dean scoffed and shook his head, turning away to flip the eggs. He picked up the plates and started getting ready to serve the breakfast he had cooked.

"What the hell is wrong with you, man?! Cas, by some miracle, is back from the dead, and first you're happy, but then you go all psycho and now you're treating him like crap! Do you have any idea the hell he's gone through all damn night because of you?!"

"Yes!" Dean shouted, throwing one of the empty plates against the wall and smashing it to pieces.

Sam shut his mouth, staring at his brother in surprise. Dean put his hands on the counter and bowed his head, his eyes closed as he took careful, measured breaths to calm the anger that was rising in him. They were silent as the minutes ticked by until Dean finally felt he was calm enough to speak.

"I get it, man. He's screwed up. Who can blame him after what I-" Dean stopped, gripping the counter until his knuckles lost colour, then continued. "I screwed everything up. And now I'm looking at losing my best friend, when I just got him back and I- I don't know if I can fix it."

"Dean, have you considered it might not be as bad as all that?"

"How could it not be?" Dean half laughed painfully. "Anyway I don't wanna talk about it. At least I can make a decent breakfast, and it's a start."

Sam shook his head and stood, moving around the bench to grab another plate and help his brother dish up the food. He'd clean the broken pieces up later. They silently laid the breakfast out on the kitchen table, and brought the coffee over before calling Castiel to join them for breakfast. It was a quiet affair, and Sam found himself wondering how his brother and friend had both become such blind idiots.

* * *

The rest of the day was fairly quiet - Castiel tried to do some research on the 'bond' that they had discovered, however there was very little lore and he found the day passing quicker than he expected as he combed through the books in the library. Sam tapped at his laptop most of the day, doing what Sam did - writing a summary of the last case for the men of letters files, then looking through articles and police databases to find a case. Dean spent his day in the garage, cleaning and polishing baby inside and out until she was good as new, relaxing to the tunes that pumped from the stereo.

Eventually the day passed, night crept on, and Dean ended up relaxing back into the driver's seat of the impala, his eyes closed as he let the music wash over him. He pushed all thought out of his mind, focusing on the music, memorising the lyrics as he listened. He was so immersed that he didn't hear the door to the garage open with a soft creak.

Castiel stepped into the room, balancing a plate on one hand, holding a six pack of beer in the other. He pushed the door closed with his foot, then looked around the massive room, awed by the collection of vehicles contained inside. He could hear music coming from - well, somewhere. He followed the sound until he saw the Impala, sitting there with the door open.

As he approached, he realised that Dean had not heard his entrance, and tried to stay quiet. It gave him a chance to truly appraise the man - the way his body melded into the seat, one leg hanging out the door, the other foot tapping the floor in time with the beat. His face was almost peaceful, the only sign that he was awake was his lips moving with unspoken words - the lyrics of the song, Castiel deduced.

Dean had lost weight, he noticed. His signature black shirt was much looser on him than Castiel remembered. Even the dark jeans he wore used to fit more snug - now they rode low, barely held up with a thin belt. Yet even though he seemed so unhealthily slim, Castiel could still see the rippling muscles that strained at his sleeves. It made him wonder what hell Dean had put himself through, physically, to have lost that amount of weight yet gained muscle.

Shaking out of his reverie, Castiel approached the vehicle and gently tapped on the bottom of the door with his boot. Dean immediately tensed, his foot no longer tapping to the beat as he opened his eyes a little, looking up at Castiel with a slight frown.

"I, um," Castiel coughed, feeling a slight heat under his collar as the man just kept staring. "I brought you food. Dinner. And beer. It's not much but... Well, here."

He held the tray out to Dean, who took it without a word, shifting his leg back inside the car so he could sit up and balance the tray in his lap. He took the beer Cas offered as well, flinching slightly when their fingertips brushed, sending a spark through them both.

Castiel dropped his eyes, the hurt flashing clear across his face even though he tried to hide it. Dean was surprised to note that he could almost feel the hurt he had caused - then he felt ashamed of himself. He looked back at the angel, then realised he had turned to go, the beer sitting on the ground beside the car.

"Cas-" Dean started, his voice uncertain. Castiel stopped, but didn't turn. "I.. Sorry."

"You don't need to apologise, Dean." Castiel kept his back turned, but he didn't move away yet.

Dean looked down at the tray in his lap. There was one plate, with two sandwiches on it. Bacon, lettuce and tomato by the look of it. On another plate was a generous slice of cherry pie.

"Sam make this?" Dean asked.

"No." Castiel answered, but he didn't elaborate further.

Dean felt a warmth in his chest as he realised that Cas had made this for him, knowing exactly what kind of food Dean would love when he was feeling down. A slight smile quirked his lips as he glanced up, noticing that Castiel still hadn't moved. He still hadn't forgotten what had happened, and his feelings of shame - but he felt impulsive anyway.

"Stay?" The word was barely more than a whisper.

Castiel's eyes widened slightly in surprise. He hadn't expected this, and he wasn't sure how to react - but he certainly was not going to refuse. He nodded slightly, schooling his face into an unreadable mask as he turned and made his way to the opposite side of the car. He slid into the seat, keeping a careful distance from the man.

Dean glanced over at his friend, feeling a heat that he didn't recognise crawling its way up his spine as their eyes met. He almost instantly looked away, down at his lap again. He offered one of the sandwich halves to Cas, who took it gratefully, along with another of the beers.

They ate in silence, the only sound coming from the stereo. When they had finished, Dean placed the tray on the ground outside the car and relaxed back in the seat again, slowly sipping at the beer.

"What was it like?" He asked softly, his eyes closing of their own accord as he leant his head back.

"Being dead?" Castiel replied bluntly. Dean grunted in agreement, not moving. "It was... nothing, I suppose. I was meant to just sleep forever. Somehow I awoke, and there was an entity... a keeper, if you will. It sent me back."

"Just like that?" Dean opened his eyes to look over at Castiel.

"Uh, not quite." A smile curved Castiel's mouth. "It wanted peace and quiet. I disturbed it enough."

He couldn't help it - a small laugh escaped, as dean shook his head at his companion.

"Somehow, I could imagine that wouldn't be hard for you."

Castiel scowled slightly at the man, dean laughed, and for a moment it was like nothing had changed. They were just two best friends, sitting in the beautiful car, sharing beers and stories. Dean looked down at his hands around the beer bottle with a slight frown, thinking about what he wanted to say, but hadn't.

"Cas..." He started, but as he looked up at the angel, his resolve faltered. Mostly. "I'm glad you're back." He finally sighed after a pause.

Castiel gave him a smile in return. "Me too, Dean."

They both smiled then, and relaxed once more. The time passed quickly as they drank, talk and laughed until late into the night. Maybe, just maybe, everything wasn't as screwed up as Dean assumed. He caught himself stealing glances at the angel, just watching the way his mouth curved when he laughed, or the expressions that crossed his face. He told himself he was just observing his body language so he knew whether or not he was forgiven - because he was definitely, absolutely, not drawn to Cas in an I'm-in-love-with-you-and-terrified-to-lose-you-again kind of way.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel woke with a start to the sound of screaming, his heart hammering in his chest. It felt foreign to him, both sleeping and waking, and he felt groggy and disoriented, his breathing struggling to catch up. Then he heard the scream again, felt the pain, and knew that Dean was in trouble.

It took mere seconds and a light flap of wings for Castiel to appear beside Dean’s bed,his eyes searching for the source of the problem - until he realised it was the man himself.

Dean was still asleep, but he was far from peaceful. He lay on his back, hands fisted in the blanket underneath him. His head thrashed side to side, tears marking their tracks quickly through the sheet of sweat that covered him. The grey shirt he had changed into was soaked through, despite that the room was relatively cool. He alternated between screaming and babbling, breaking Castiel’s heart with the words that he could understand.

“Don’t touch.. Get away- Leave him alone- No-No-No-CAS!”

“DEAN!” Castiel shouted, fear flickering in his eyes when the man didn’t respond, just kept babbling. “Dean, WAKE UP!”

“CAS!” Dean screamed, then dissolved into incoherent sobs.

“Dean?!” A fist was banging on the door, the doorknob rattling.

“Sam-“ Castiel called, but cut off. He didn’t know what to do.

Dean had moved his hands to grip his own arms, and he was leaving nail marks where his fingers dragged across the skin. He still thrashed, calling for Cas between sobs and incoherent words. He just stared at the man, tears gathering in his eyes, frozen by shock.

Suddenly the door flew open, and Sam charged into the room, only to come to a sudden halt as he stared at the scene before him. Castiel turned and met Sam’s eyes, his own riddled with fear and doubt.

“Sam, I don’t know what to do!”

Sam looked between the angel and his brother, realising that Dean was still asleep and having a particularly horrible nightmare. Nightmare or memory, anyway. He knew he couldn’t wake his brother - even when they were kids Dean never woke from a nightmare until it was over.

He could only do what he had always done - He threw himself down beside his brother and grabbed his wrists, tearing his hands away from his arms and pinning them down beside him so he couldn’t hurt himself again. Then realisation dawned and he looked back at the angel.

“Yes, you do. Cas, he needs you. You have to help him - like you did before.”

“But I don’t know how!” Castiel yelled in frustration. “It was an accident before, I don’t-“

“CAS!” Dean screamed out again, staring to get more violent with his thrashing and grabbing. Sam struggled to hold him down.

“You can do it, Cas, I know you can. But hurry.” Sam wasn’t sure how long he could hold him without hurting him. “Please.”

Castiel shook slightly as he approached the bed, then sat down at the top, next to the pillow. He took a deep, steadying breath as he looked back down at the man, who had turned back to sobbing uncontrollably. It was so unlike Dean that he barely believed it was him - but he supposed this was the side Dean never let out.

“Please let this work,” Castiel whispered as he reached out a hand and carefully laid it on Dean’s forehead.

As soon as they touched, he took a sharp breath. It was just like before, the emotions of fear assaulting him as they washed into him. He felt his grace activating, his eyes burning bright. This time, though, the room filled with light and suddenly he was no longer looking down at Dean. He was seeing through his eyes, inside the nightmare, and it was so real.

There were demons on either side of him, holding him against a wall while he struggled fiercely. On the floor in front of him was Castiel’s own body, beaten and bloody. A faceless demon stood over him, arm poised with an angel blade in hand. A scream tore from his mouth, his own name in Dean’s voice, fear flooding through his body like ice.

Castiel’s heart surged, refusing to allow this image to torment Dean - and even as he thought it the room became brighter, first like an overexposed photo, then growing brighter and brighter until the image was completely obliterated by white light.

Suddenly the room he sat in with Dean and Sam came back into focus, and he gasped as the tidal wave of Dean’s emotions slammed into him again. He felt his wings retracting back into his vessel, unsure at what point they had come out. He bowed his head, panting slightly as he let the feelings wash through him, slowly weakening until he could think clearly again.

When he could finally look up, he noticed that unlike the night before, his hand was still on Dean’s skin. He gently pushed the wet hair back from his now calm face. The sheen of sweat was slowly drying, and it made Castiel smile slightly. He’d done it - taken the nightmare away so that dean could sleep peacefully. His thumb gently rubbed across Dean’s hairline, soothing - impulsively, he shifted his weight forward and pressed a feather soft kiss to the man’s forehead.

Then he sat back, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and looked at Sam.

“You love him, don’t you?” Sam whispered, staring at the angel in awe.

Castiel didn’t answer - he dropped his eyes to the ground and twisted his fingers together. What could he say? Yes, even though he was sure the hunter would never return his feelings? So he stayed silent.

Sam just nodded and stood up, clapping a hand on his shoulder supportively as he left the room.

Castiel glanced down at Dean again, quiet and peaceful. He sighed to himself, thinking how he should really get up and move, go back to bed and rest. But he was just so damned tired. He leant his head back against the wall and let his eyes slip closed. Just for a moment, he told himself. Then he’d leave. But he was exhausted and he quickly crossed into sleep, leaning back against the bed head and wall.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean found himself waking very slowly the next morning, sleep leaving him groggy and contented, which was unusual. He welcomed the feeling, however, keeping his eyes closed as he drifted in the sleepy morning haze. He nuzzled his head against the warm pillow, hand gripping the silky fabric of it. It was comfortable and warm, and the hand resting in his hair made him feel safe. Wait- what?

Dean’s eyes shot open and his body tensed as his fight or flight response came into play. He didn’t move just yet, waiting until he figured out what was going on. Blinking his eyes into focus, he concentrated. He could see two legs covered in dark, business style slacks - his warm pillow was actually one of those legs, and his hand was holding onto the fabric at the knee.

He didn’t really have to - he knew who it was, could feel it - but he carefully, slowly shifted himself to laying on his back, the hand slipping from his hair to rest on his collarbone as he looked up into Castiel’s face. His breath hitched - he hadn’t been this close to the man since he kissed him, that he knew of. But he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.

Instead he found himself studying the lines of his cheekbones and the way his lashes rested on his cheeks. There were dark circles under his eyes, shadows that Dean could swear weren’t there before. His nostrils flared slightly as he breathed almost silently in his sleep, his lips slightly parted.

He felt heat pool deep in his abdomen as he stared, remembering how it had felt to kiss those perfect lips, and the way Cas’s skin had felt under his hands. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, hard, trying to drive away the memory. He shouldn’t, couldn’t think that way about his friend, for fear it would ruin what they had. Because he didn’t have feelings for Cas - He didn’t - He was obviously just confused and over reacting to his friend’s return.

And yet, his body moved of it’s own will, and he couldn’t stop himself reaching a hand up to gently run the pad of his thumb across Castiel’s bottom lip, tracing the curve lightly. As soon as he touched the man he knew he wouldn’t stop - intensity flooded through him and he wanted Cas like nothing before. He remembered how soft those lips were, despite his rough appearance. He moved his fingers, tips gently tracing along his cheekbone, then down through the slight stubble - he’d have to get Cas some razors - down the line of his jaw, curling under his chin as his thumb still rubbed gently over his lower lip.

Dean could feel a strange lightness in his chest, his heart squeezing, something he hadn’t felt since Lisa. His heart gave a terrifying jolt as he realised that he wanted those lips on his again, wanted to swallow those soft breaths with his own mouth - then everything froze in time as he felt fingers close around his wrist in a gentle, but firm grip.

“Dean..”

A jolt like lightning shot through him from his abdomen to his toes at the sound of his name dropping from Cas’s lips in a breathy, almost lusty whisper. His eyes lifted to the angel’s face - Castiel still had his eyes closed, but he was most definitely awake, and Dean wondered how he hadn’t noticed the short, sharp breaths that were now parting his lips. They stayed frozen, neither daring to move until Castiel’s hand on his shirt at his collarbone slipped, brushing against his bare skin, and his eyes flashed open to focus on dean.

“Caaas...” Dean groaned, the sound full of a deep longing as feelings of want, need, lust ripped through him.

It was everything he realised he’d been feeling this whole time, only multiplied in a way Dean didn’t understand, the moment Cas’ eyes met his. A fluttering heat worked its way across his skin now; he could feel his pants getting tight, and he knew that everything he was trying to deny about his friend could come undone at any moment.

Then Cas blinked, and reality crashed down on Dean like a tidal wave.

In one fluid movement he was up and off the bed, struggling to get his heavy breathing under control, facing away from Cas so that he wouldn’t see the evidence of his desire for the angel.

Cas closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall with a soft thump. “Dean-“

“What the hell are you doing in my room, Cas?!” Dean near growled, still not facing him. “Wait-no, scratch that. I don’t wanna know. Just... Don’t be here when I get back.”

And with that he strode towards the door, leaving Castiel sitting on the bed wishing he had gotten up and gone to bed before he passed out.

 


	6. Six

The best part of a week passed in a similar routine. After storming out that first morning, when Dean saw Cas later in the day he simply pretended nothing had happened. And it was easy to do, at first. Each day it got harder, though.

Cas didn’t seem well, and there was a worry in Dean’s chest that he couldn’t ignore. He never mentioned it, though, afraid that if he admitted one truth then more could follow. He didn’t know if he could handle opening up that particular pandora’s box.

By Friday he had started to notice the way Cas stumbled if he turned too fast, or how he would simply nod off in the middle of a conversation, snapping to attention moments later. The circles he’d noticed before had gotten darker, too, making him look like he had permanent black eyes.

Dean was confused. As far as he knew, Castiel went to bed at a reasonable time every night, and woke generally after him each morning. He didn’t know, however, that Cas was the reason his nightmares every night were ending in white light right before the worst parts, the rest of his sleep dreamless and peaceful. He didn’t know that Cas was spending hours either sobbing in his room, or staring in silent shock at the wall, dealing alone with the emotions he was pulling from Dean.

It wasn’t until Saturday evening, when Cas stumbled and fell on his way to the library, that something changed. Sam had found him and lifted the angel from the floor, flitting in and out of consciousness, then put him to bed. He got Cas settled and brought him some water, forbidding him from leaving the bed. Then he went to find his brother.

Dean was sitting at the big war table, sipping from a glass of whisky. The bottle was next to it - so far he was half down. He didn’t notice the scowl on Sam’s face, or the way he was stomping, until he slammed the lid on his laptop.

“That’s it.” It was nearly a snarl, the way Sam spoke. “I’m out.”

“You-what?” Dean looked up, confused as he noticed the fury in his brother’s face. “Out where?”

“Jody has a case, she needs some help.”

“Alright, I’ll get my stuff.” He swigged the last of his whisky and stood, ready to gather his things.

“You’re not coming Dean.”

Sam was looking down at the laptop he was shoving into his bag, and Dean realised that his brother’s duffel was already there, packed and waiting. Confusion flitted across his face as he stared, Sam refusing to look up.

“The hell? Of course I am!”

“No, dean!” Sam snapped, his nostrils flaring in anger as he looked at Dean. “You’re gonna stay here and sort this shit out!” He jabbed a finger in the direction of the bedrooms.

Dean’s face darkened, and he looked down, away from accusing eyes as he muttered. “There’s nothing to sort out.”

“The hell there’s not!” Sam yelled, his face a mask of absolute fury now. “Dean, Cas is in there and he’s in trouble, and you have no idea why.”

“And you do?!” Dean asked incredulously. “Pray tell then, Sammy!”

“No. No, I’m not going to make this easy on you so you can just keep avoiding and make it even worse.” Sam clenched and unclenched his jaw. “What I am going to tell you is that you are a big part of what’s happening, and you’re the only one who can fix it.”

Dean pursed his lips and looked away, trying to ignore what he’d said. He couldn’t ignore that he’d been avoiding, and he couldn’t deny it either. But he couldn’t understand what Cas’ illness had to do with him, and it made him angry that Sam wouldn’t tell him.

“Fix this, Dean. If you don’t, you’ll lose him again.” There was a hint of softness in Sam’s words now, and Dean didn’t want to admit how much that last part terrified him.

“I can’t, Sammy. I can’t go down that road.” Dean spoke in almost a whisper, afraid to admit how much being alone with Cas scared him right now.

Sam’s face hardened then as Dean looked at him, all traces of pity removed as he shouldered his bags and took Dean’s keys off the table.

“I’ll be gone a few days, week at most.” He turned to walk away, then stopped. “Oh and Dean?” He threw over his shoulder. “If this isn’t fixed when I get back? I’ll make sure Cas leaves and this time, he won’t come back.”

With that threat thrown into the air, Sam adjusted the bags, then he was gone.

Dean just stood there for a minute, mouth moving silently in shock. It was a low and cruel threat that had come from his brothers mouth, but he knew it was probably the only thing that would spur him into action. Right now, though, it was all he could do to sit weakly in the chair and pour himself another whisky, pondering his next move.

 

* * *

 

 

It was over an hour before Dean felt he had the courage to approach Castiel’s room. He hesitated in front of the door then, before he could back away, raised a hand to rap sharply on the wood.

No answer.

“Cas?” He called softly. “I’m coming in.”

He tried the handle - it turned freely, unlocked - and pushed the door open, stepping into the dim room. Cas was still in bed, and as he walked closer, he realised that he’d underestimated how ill Castiel really was. In the small light provided by the lamp, he could see that the angel’s face was pale, almost white except for the deep purple circles under his eyes. His chest raised and lowered with rapid breaths, despite that he was quite asleep. A frown creased his eyebrows, and his eyelids were fluttering with a dream.

Dean sat on the bed beside him, next to his hip, and looked down with worry.

“Cas?” He breathed quietly, reaching out to lay a hand gently on the sweaty, but cold cheek.

Then the emotions hit. Turmoil, dark and raging, worked itself into every fibre of his being. Dean took a sharp, shuddering breath and closed his eyes. And then behind his eyelids, he saw every nightmare he’d had in the last week, flitting one after the other, each ending with that same white light.

His eyes shot open, gasping as he pulled his hand back to himself as though burned. He was confused - so confused - but also worried, and that worry for Cas finally overrode everything else he could possibly feel.

“Cas? Cas!” He grabbed the angel’s shoulders and shook him until he woke, blue eyes opening groggily.

“Dean?” Cas croaked, his voice softer and weaker than dean was used to. “Why.. Why are you crying?”

Dean raised a hand, surprised, and realised there was wetness on his cheeks that he hadn’t noticed before.

“I don’t know, man, I- You were dreaming, or something, and I touched you and..” Dean stopped, unsure of what had happened.

“Oh.”

Castiel sighed and dropped his eyes, and Dean knew that he was the only one confused about what had happened. He didn’t say anything, though, and Castiel was grateful for that. It gave him time to shift himself on the bed, pushing himself up to sit even though it was painful.

“Dean... I meant to tell you earlier. Just-“

“I didn’t give you the chance.” Dean finished quietly, dropping his eyes. “I’m listening now, Cas.”

“Okay.” Cas answered softly.

Yet he stayed quiet, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt.Dean waited for awhile, trying his best to be patient. But after a few minutes he started getting impatient, so he cleared his throat to remind the angel he was still there. Cas started, his body tensing. Then he sighed.

“It’s difficult to explain, Dean.” Castiel paused, nerves on edge in response to what he was about to say. “It may be easier to... show you.”

“Show me?” Dean repeated, his eyes taking on a guarded expression, shifting side to side.

Cas nodded, lifting a hand shakily to hold it out, palm up, to Dean. The hunter’s eyes flitted between the offered hand and blue eyes, confused and wary. He didn’t reach out, didn’t move, frozen on what he felt was the edge of a precipice he couldn’t come back from.

“Dean. Do you trust me?” Blue eyes stared into green, pleading silently.

“I trust you.” He closed his eyes, slowly lifting his hand to bring it towards Cas’

“Don’t close your eyes.” Cas whispered, and Dean froze with their hands almost touching. “It’s worse if you close your eyes.”

Dean didn’t respond to that. It was too late for any kind of argument. He just obeyed, opening his eyes and staring straight into Castiel’s. The blue was slightly paler than usual, he noticed. Neither had moved yet - Cas seemed to be waiting for him to decide, not pushing.

Then Dean dropped his hands into the angel’s, and felt like his world exploded and came together, all in the same moment.

He couldn’t close his eyes now. He felt as though the blue eyes were the only thing holding him to the earth, blue eyes that had now flared bright. His grip on the angel’s hand got tight as he felt emotion tumble through him from - from Cas, he realised, feeling the connection between them as though it were physical.

Despair, grief, anger all tumbled through him from Cas, catching his breath in his throat. Fear and worry made their appearance too, but underneath it all, like a steady stream ran a deep love, pulsing and bright, so strong that it caused tears to sting at his eyes.

“Shit, Cas” He murmured, bringing his other hand up to desperately hold both of Cas’ trembling hands, letting his eyes slip closed.

And behind his lids flashed again the images from his nightmares, but this time he knew. He knew it was Cas standing in his dreams, watching over him, blasting away the nightmares before they went too far. And he saw Cas’ own dreams, except there was only one, the same one on repeat.

The kiss they had shared, the feelings it brought forth, always ending with Dean bolting away from him. Dean could feel the pain of that loss, that rejection, deep inside his own soul, and it bit hard. He could feel shame welling up in response and knew that Cas could feel it too.

Like riding on a tidal wave, this trip eventually came to a close. He could feel the roiling emotions slowing, settling in as he accepted them. And eventually it was gone, and he was left with the present feelings they were sharing. He was left with feeling everything that was just Cas, imagining it to be his very soul. It was only then that he realised how weak Cas was, how little grace he seemed to have left.

Sam was right. It was his fault. Cas had been using his grace to care for Dean without his knowledge, never getting the time or rest to let it regenerate. Now it was all but gone, and his angel was weak, so weak. All for him.

“Cas,” He whispered brokenly, desperate to do something, anything.

While his mind didn’t seem to know what to do, his body certainly did. He found himself leaning forward, his hands shifting to move their hands out of the way so that he could move closer, closer, until their lips barely touched. He searched those blue eyes, seeing and feeling the fear, doubt and need that hid within Cas.

He didn’t move, their breath mixing together as he waited. He needed to make sure that Cas was okay with this, this time. Something about them being like this made him need to make sure that he wouldn’t hurt the angel. Again.

“Dean..” Cas breathed, making Dean tremble.

Then the distance was gone, Cas leaning forward that final inch to press his lips ever so softly to Dean’s.

This was different from the first time. It was softer, sweeter, more gentle. Their lips were hesitant, that first kiss just a press that lasted longer than expected. Dean pulled back, breathing a little ragged as he stared into Cas’ eyes for a moment. Then he pressed forward again, letting go of one of his hands so that he could reach behind, bringing it to rest on the back of Cas’ neck.

Cas gasped sharply at the new contact, his lips parting, and Dean took the opportunity to turn the kiss into something more urgent and desperate, their lips moving together perfectly as he licked at his angels lips, further into his mouth, desperate to taste his essence and everything that was just so _Cas_.

Cas let out a soft groan, pressing their bodies closer together, snaking his free hand around Dean’s waist to pull him closer than was possible. The kisses got deeper, more intense, and Cas was dizzy with the intimacy and the emotions flooding through their bond. This was amazing, there was no other way to describe it. He didn’t feel like he could ever stop.

Eventually, though, they both had to break off, gasping for air. Dean’s nails had left marks on the back of Cas’ neck where he’d gripped too tight, and they stung a little. But he didn’t care, basking in the heat of Dean’s gaze as they rested their foreheads together, sharing the air between them.

“Damn, Cas,” Dean breathed between them huskily. “That was...”

He couldn’t find a word that could possibly sum up what had just happened between them, what was still happening, their emotions melding together like pieces of a puzzle.

“I know.” Cas cracked the first smile he had in some time.

He didn’t dare say any more, for fear that Dean would leave again at any moment. Instead he dropped his eyes, focusing on their hands that were still laced together. Dean’s thumb traced the back of his hand in small circles, sending shivers across his skin.

“What the hell was- is this?”

“I want to tell you, Dean... I wanted to before but-“ Cas sighed, wearily, letting his eyes slip closed. “It’s difficult to explain and I don’t think I can stay awake long enough.”

Dean nodded, understanding in his eyes despite that he really wanted the answers. He shifted, moving his body away from Cas, surprised when he felt a jolt of fear strike through him. It took a second, but he realised that the fear was from Cas, and suddenly knew he was afraid that he was going to leave again.

“Cas it’s alright. I’m just moving.”

It took a few moments but with some shuffling, Dean managed to move alongside Cas on the bed, pulling the angel until his head rested on his chest. He linked their hands together again, the other hand gently running fingers through dark hair soothingly.

“Sleep, Cas. We’ll talk about it later.”

Cas nodded, but Dean could tell that he wasn’t relaxed yet. The tension curled through their bond, and he could feel it in the set of his shoulders.

“Cas.” Dean pulled his head back slightly so he could look down at the angel.

Cas lifted his head and met his eyes, a slight frown on his lips.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Dean assured him quietly, but earnestly.

“Promise?” Cas whispered, squeezing his hand tightly.

“Promise.”

Cas laid his head back down on his chest. He believed Dean - mostly - but at the moment his heart felt full and he felt complete in his hunters arms, and nothing would ruin that. At least not tonight.

“Sleep.” Dean whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

And Cas remembered no more.

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

When Castiel woke in the morning, he was pleasantly surprised to find Dean still there.That, of course, meant that the night before hadn’t been a dream, and Dean was still not rejecting him. He kept waiting for it, though, waiting for the moment that reality would hit and the hunter would turn away from him.

He just laid there for awhile, barely moving as his eyes drank Dean in for as long as he could. Eventually, though, his human needs refused to be ignored. He tried to be quiet and gentle, barely jostling the man as he extracted himself from the bed, but it didn’t seem to matter. The moment their skin parted, Dean’s eyes shot open as though shocked.

“Cas?” His voice was panicked, needy, and it broke the angel’s heart.

“I’m here.” Castiel touched his shoulder reassuringly, watching the way Dean instantly calmed and relaxed back into the bed. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Mm.” Dean hummed sleepily, his eyes closing again.

Cas took longer than he expected in the bathroom, having decided to have a shower. He spent a long time relishing in the feel of hot water running over weary muscles, relaxing and enjoying it until the water ran cold.

Cleaned up and dressed, he pulled the bathroom door shut as he exited, then turned towards the bedrooms. He turned too fast, however, and dizziness hit, causing him to stumble and fall - straight into Dean’s arms, who had come to check on him.

“Shit.” Dean blinked as he hoisted the angel up into his arms, and looked down at him worriedly.

“I’m fine, Dean. I just turned too fast.”

But Castiel’s voice lacked the conviction it should have held, and his arm around dean’s shoulder was shaking very slightly. And he had to admit, it felt nice being carried like that, held close against the hunter’s body. Being cared for.

“Bullshit, Cas.” Dean shifted slightly to get a better grip on the bridal-style carry, feeling the angels head drop onto his shoulder. “You’re going back to bed.”

“Dean, no, I have to- to eat, and research, and- Dean, my room is that way.”

Dean had been walking while Castiel was protesting, ignoring him, and Cas hadn’t realised at first that they weren’t going toward his room. His new protest fell on deaf ears, however, as Dean gently lay him on the memory foam mattress in his own room and pushed him to lay down.

“Dean-“

His questioning tone was cut off by Dean’s lips over his, swallowing his words. Cas gasped in surprise, the moment allowing the kiss to deepen, igniting sparks between them as lips and tongue moved together until they were breathless. Then Dean pulled back far too soon, and an honest to god whimper escaped Cas.

That brought a low chuckle from Dean as he pulled the rumpled sheets over Cas, ignoring the frustrated look the angel leveled at him.

“Settle down, Cas. You’re still not well.” He felt guilty even saying that, reminding himself of the reason he could never forget. “My bed is more comfortable. You’re going to stay here and I mean, right here,” He pointed at the bed to emphasise. “Until you’re better. I’ll bring you whatever you need.”

“This is completely unnecessary Dean.” Castiel huffed with a frown.

“Unnecessary my ass, Cas you nearly passed out.”

“It was a momentary lapse.”

“Which just happens to keep repeating itself.”

“I’ll just get up when you leave.” The chin lifted stubbornly.

“Then I’ll tie you to the bed.” Lips quirked up in a smirk, one eyebrow raising.

Cas’ mouth formed silent words as he stared at the stubborn hunter with that infuriating smirk on his face, arms crossed in an unmoveable stance as he stared him down. Once he felt heat spread across his cheeks he huffed and looked away, knowing he had just lost the argument.

“Fine. I will stay.”

“Great.” Den relaxed and clapped his hands together. “Now what do you want to eat.”

“Food, obviously.” Cas grumbled, feeling rather put out.

“Bacon it is!” Dean declared, then turned and left the room quickly.

Cas let his head drop back on the pillow, sighing. He just knew that Dean was going to become absolutely unbearable in the following days. Yet as much as he grumbled to himself, a small smile still played on his lips. He felt truly cared for and for that, he would put up with any amount of fussing.

The next few days passed in a haze of almost equal annoyance and bliss for Cas. He didn’t stop protesting his restriction to Dean’s bedroom and the bathroom - But he relished the time they spent together.

Dean would bring him books from the library and they would lay together on the bed, reading for hours in comfortable quiet. Other times Dean would sit at his desk and bring up pages on his computer, reading them aloud to Cas. Occasionally he would fall asleep, waking up to find Dean laying beside him just staring, or drawing him close in an intimate embrace.

More than once they would lose themselves, kissing each other breathless in the bed, hands roaming and exploring. Those times Cas almost thought things would go further - but Dean always cited his illness as a reason to pull away, leaving him frustrated and metaphorically pulling his hair out.

Every night they fell asleep in much the same way - curled into each other’s arms, their fingers laced together. From the first night in his bed, Dean had expressly forbidden Cas from using the bond to remove the nightmares. He needed to recover, not exert himself more, Dean had said. But they quickly found it wasn’t needed.

So long as their skin touched, neither man had dreams or nightmares. Rather it was a lot like they drifted on another plane of existence, their very essence melding together into a sea of raw emotions.

It wasn’t until Wednesday morning that Dean’s phone lit up with an incoming call. He was in the middle of making Cas breakfast, who was actually up and sitting at the kitchen table. Most of the colour had come back to his face, the dark circles were gone, and Dean had decided he was well enough to leave the bedroom.

“Cas will you get that?” Dean called over, busy with the frypan.

“Sure.” Cas reached over and picked up Dean’s phone from the table, answering the call and lifting it to his ear. “If you stop eating all our bacon. Hello?”

“ _Cas_?” The voice on the other end was surprised.

“Oh, good morning Sam.”

Dean’s head whipped around to stare, eyes wide like a deer in headlights, bacon half way to his mouth. Cas gave him a small shrug, palms up in an I-don’t-know-what-to-say gesture. Dean gestured back with a keep-going hand roll, turning back to the bacon. It was done, so he started plating.

“Uh... yes, Sam, he’s here.” Pause. “Because he’s cooking breakfast.” Pause. “Yes. I am much better now.” Pause. “Sam, I don’t - It’s not - Um...”

Dean finished with the frypan and put it down, looking around at Cas again. At the last part he stared in a half horrified sort of way at the blush that was creeping across the angels cheeks while he stammered down the phone line.

 _I’m going to kill Sammy,_ He thought as he strode over and took the phone from Cas.

“Sam!” He spoke a bit louder than intended, slightly irritated by the laughter on the other end.

He mentioned for Cas to start eating, then turned and left the kitchen, headed for his bedroom. He knew that Sam was going to ask questions and he preferred to have the conversation privately.

“What the hell did you say to him?” Dean bit when he was safely behind a closed door.

“ _Nothing_!” Sam insisted between laughs. “ _I just asked how you made up is all._ ” 

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees. “Sam.”

“ _Okay fine, I’ll stop_.” A few more laughs before he settled down. “ _So, in all seriousness, you actually fixed it?_ ” 

“Yes, Sam. I don’t know if I’ll ever make up for it but... We’re good.” 

“ _About damn time. Well, I was just calling to tell you I’m coming home today._ ”

“Great. When will you be here?”

 _“Well I’m leaving around noon, so I should be there around 5 or 6. That enough time to get your clothes back on?”_ Sam snickered.

“Oka- what? No, I mean, yes, I mean-“ Sam’s snickers turned into full laughs as Dean took a breath and tried again. “It’s not like that. I haven’t-we haven’t-“ And there started the stammering again, this time with a blush crawling up his neck. God he so didn’t want to go into this conversation with his little brother.

“ _Wait, you mean you haven’t..”_ Sam trailed off, the laughing quickly coming to an end. “ _Why the hell not? I mean not that I wanna know about it but seriously, Dean, what’s stopping you?”_

Dean just breathed quietly for a moment, trying to find the right words. As much as he didn’t want this conversation to happen, Sam was the only one he could talk to about it. And he knew something had been holding him back, it wasn’t just Cas’ illness.

“I dunno, man. Just... I dunno. Isn’t it a bit early to be rushing things like that?”

“ _Years, Dean_.” Sam answered in an I-can’t-believe-you-said-that voice. “ _You two have been pining after each other for years_.” 

“Okay well, what if he’s not ready?”

“ _Dean_.”

“What if I’m not ready?” 

Silence.

“Just... if this doesn’t work, we can still go back, y’know? It would kill but, we can. But if we go there...”

“ _You can’t just go back to being friends_.” Sam finished for him, then sighed. “ _Funny, you never had this problem with any of your other hookups._ ” 

“Cas isn’t just one of those hookups. This is different.” Dean snapped, instantly angry.

“ _Exactly_.” Sam answered, letting Dean realise what he’d just said. 

“I-what?” Dean was confused, not catching on.

“ _Dean, how do you feel about Castiel?_ ”

“I don’t- I mean- You know how I feel.” Dean flustered, mumbling the last part.

“ _No, Dean, I don’t. And neither does Cas._ ” Sam paused there, then continued after a moment. “ _Dean I get you guys can feel this stuff through your bond. But how can he feel something that you won’t admit to yourself, or let yourself feel?_ ”

“He told you about that?”

“ _Yeah well, no offence Dean but someone had to pick him up after you shattered him._ ”

Dean felt his heart crush with the words, but he couldn’t argue. It was true, and he was glad in a way that his brother could be there when he wasn’t.

“ _Dean_?” Sam asked after he had been silent awhile.

“I just don’t know if I can, Sammy.” He had been running a hand through his hair and now he gripped the strands tight between his fingers, opening his mouth to admit his biggest fear. “What if I lose him again?”

“ _And what if you never get to truly have him in the first place?_ ” Sam didn’t miss a beat.

Dean went silent, the realisation hitting him hard. He knew Sam was right - this was something he needed to work through, and fast. He stayed quiet, mulling it over in his head.

“ _I’ll call when I’m almost there._ ”

“Yeah, ok.” Dean answered with a sigh. “And Sammy? ...Thanks.”

“ _No problem_.”

There was no goodbye, the call just ended. Dean sighed to himself and looked around the room he’d spent the majority of his time with Cas. He glanced down at the phone in his hand - he had ten hours until Sam got home. Ten hours to come to terms with his own feelings, and show Cas too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’ve all been enjoying this so far. Sorry it took awhile - I have’t written for a long time and it’s taking a bit to get back into the swing of things.
> 
> Anyway as promised in the beginning, the next chapter will heat up somewhat so stop reading if you don’t want to see/read it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so, here’s the x-rated part. It took awhile because I’m not exactly used to writing these kinds of scenes, not sure I’m good at it either tbh. But, it’s part of the story.
> 
> So if you don’t like sex scenes feel free to click back.
> 
> Also, I guess I have to add a disclaimer that I don’t own the steppenwolf - it’s never too late song.
> 
> P.S. I deliberately chose to pick pieces out of the song and use them instead of using the whole lyrics. Given that you’ve heard it before.
> 
> P.P.S. If you have time PLEASE leave me a comment, I would really appreciate any comments :)

When Dean returned to the kitchen, he found that Cas had finished his breakfast already and was sipping at his coffee. The angel gave him a questioning look as he sat down and started eating cold bacon.

“Is everything okay?” Cas asked.

“S’fine.” Dean answered around a mouthful of bacon. “Sam’s coming home tonight.”

“Oh? He’s finished with the case?”

“Yeah. He said he’ll hit the road around noon.”

Cas just nodded, falling silent. He couldn’t help himself wondering if everything would change when Sam got home. Judging by the way Dean was pushing his food around, he seemed to be deep in thought about the same thing. What if Dean didn’t want them to continue this little dance while Sam was around, he wondered.

Once Dean finished eating, the two of them worked together to clean up. After that, they spent some time arguing lightly. Cas wanted to go to the library to do some research. Dean wanted him to take some time off the studying.

“Why don’t we just go watch a movie?”

“I don’t want to watch a movie right now, Dean. I want to find out more about this.” Cas gestured between the two of them.

“So do I, Cas.” Dean caught his hands, lacing their fingers together again.

Cas stopped arguing for a moment, feeling an uncertainty from Dean that he wasn’t used to. He searched the hunter’s eyes as Dean let his forehead rest on Cas’, sighing softly. There was something particularly vulnerable about Dean right now, something that told Cas he needed him.

“Let’s just go listen to some music.” Dean asked quietly. “Please, Cas.”

Cas just nodded in response, still trying to figure out what was going on. There was something loaded in the way Dean gave him one of those barely-there kisses, before turning and pulling Cas along with him, back to his room.

Once there, Cas sat on the soft mattress while Dean fiddled with a music player. After a few moments music flowed into the room. Cas just watched Dean, standing there with his back turned and his shoulders hunched over.

“Dean?” He asked quietly, making his way across the room to put his hands on his shoulders.

“This was the first song I heard after you.. After we let you go.” Dean told him, his body tense. “It always reminds me. I haven’t listened to it since.”

“Dean, what’s going on?”

“Cas... I don’t know what’s going on between us. But I want to find out. And I think this is the only way I can.”

And then Castiel understood. Dean had spent his whole life avoiding how he felt about things, pretending nothing affected him. He’d done the same thing when Cas had died. And now, he couldn’t open himself up to feel something real with Cas until he let himself feel all the bad parts before it.

“I’m here, Dean.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle, feeling a relieved sigh as the hunters head dropped onto his shoulder. “I’ll go through this with you.”

Dean just nodded mutely, lifting his arms to wrap them tightly around Cas, letting his eyes close. He imagined himself back in the moment that the song was calling forth - standing in front of a great pile of wood, lighter in his hand. He would have given anything not to toss that lighter. He felt the grief reaching up, threatening to drown him - and instead of pushing it down, he let it wash through him, over him, and take him under with it.

Then he broke. His knees went weak and he sagged into Cas’ arms as the barriers he had erected came crashing down. Dean cried like he had never before, long shuddering sobs that shook him to his core as he held onto Cas for dear life. At first Cas was shocked, seeing a side of Dean he hadn’t realised existed - then he remembered the nightmares, and the emotions he’d pulled away from Dean so that he didn’t have to feel them - and he guiltily wondered if he had been making the problem worse, instead of helping.

At some point Cas dragged them over to the bed, and then Dean was curled up against his angel, letting all the emotion of the past few months come out. He didn’t even realise he was crying out until he heard Cas shushing him, whispering soft words of comfort in his ear while he ran hands through his hair.

Each new song brought different emotions, and Dean told Cas about each one in short, gasping breaths. What stage he had been at when he’d heard it, and what memories surfaced with each beat.

Towards the end of an hour he realised he was starting to feel a little bit better - his chest felt lighter, and the sobs had tapered off into the odd gasp or sniffle. He didn’t feel quite like he was hyperventilating anymore, either.

As the last song started up, he felt something shift. This was the tipping point, he knew. He lifted his head slightly, wiping his face a little on the blanket before he lifted his eyes to meet the worried blue eyes of Castiel. It felt like seeing him again for the first time, that moment he’d found him alive.

“This one... This one was playing when you called me.” Dean whispered, a hand reaching up to gently trace down Cas’ cheek.

 

_(music) From deep inside comes rushing forth, all the anguish you suppressed,_

 

“You walked back into my life and blew it apart. Again.” He whispered, eyes roaming as Cas pressed his cheek into his palm. “God, I was so stupid before..”

 

_It’s never too late, to start all over again_

 

Castiel seemed to understand it was a time to stay quiet, letting Dean talk and come to terms with what he was feeling then and now. His hands kept stroking Dean, one in his hair and one on his back, between his shoulders.

 

_Tell me who’s to say after all is done, when you’re finally gone you won’t be back again._

 

A smile quirked Dean’s lips at that line of the song, getting lost in Cas’ eyes as he remembered the moment he saw Cas again at the bunker. And he recalled the feelings that had come forth in that moment, the ones he had tried to deny. The ones he ran away from.

 

_You can find a way to change today, you don’t have to wait ‘til then_

 

“I love you.” He whispered, watching the way those words made Cas’ eyes widen in surprise. “I love you, Cas.”

 

_It’s never too late, to start all over again._

 

Suddenly he pulled Cas closer, pressing their bodies together as he claimed his lips in a searing kiss, pouring all the love he had discovered into that one moment. Cas barely took a moment to respond, and then he was rolling back, pulling Dean’s warmth on top of his body.

They didn’t break contact for a moment, even when dean shifted his weight to one arm so that he could gently slip the other hand up underneath the shirt Cas was wearing. The angel gasped sharply as fingers brushed over his collarbone, and Dean took advantage of the moment to lick past his parted lips, brushing over Cas’ tongue.

That brought a soft moan from Cas, his hands moving to grip at Dean’s sides almost painfully, pulling him down heavier on top of him. The kisses were leaving him dizzy and breathless, and he felt like he couldn’t ever possibly get as close to the man as he needed to be.

Suddenly Dean was pulling away hurriedly, and a flicker of fear passed through Cas. Dean felt it and glanced at him sharply - then he remembered.

“Not leaving,” He mumbled, sitting on his knees as he looked at the angel below him.

Then he grabbed the hem of his shirt and slowly, never breaking eye contact, lifted it up to expose his chest. Cas took a sharp breath - his ribs were still visible despite that he had put a little weight back on, but despite that he was the most beautiful human Cas could ever want to lay eyes on.

The shirt was thrown across the room, and Dean pulled at Cas’ shirt next, fingers tickling his sides in a delicious way as he slowly slid the shirt up and over his head. It joined Dean’s discarded clothing in the corner.

“Dean,” Cas started, his breath hitching when Dean ran his hands back down his side. “Dean are you sure you’re-“

“I’m sure.” Dean cut him off, and there was a heady tone in his voice that set every nerve in Castiel’s body on fire. “Cas, I love you, I’m sure.”

Cas was about to speak, but the words were swallowed by Dean’s mouth back on his, his tongue pressing into his mouth and oh, the heat of his skin as it pressed against his own... He understood now, why touching and being naked in someone’s presence was such an intimate thing for humans.

After feeling this, he knew he would never be able to look at nudity with such objectivity again.

Suddenly the kiss was broken, and his own whine of protest surprised him. But the lips soon returned, this time along his jaw. Dean peppered soft kisses up to his ear then down his neck, gently suckling small circles that left no mark. Cas gasped loudly and grabbed at the top of Dean’s arms when his lips pressed to a certain spot on his collarbone that sent shivers through his body.

“Hmm,” Dean hummed softly against his skin, smiling. That spot was quite obviously sensitive, and one he would remember later.

But he had another goal in mind, and he sat back on his heels between Cas’ legs. He trailed a hand down the angel’s chest gently, watching him carefully. When Cas realised where he was headed, he bit down on his lip nervously, but nodded slightly to give permission.

Dean smiled slightly, and turned his attention to what he was doing. His fingers worked smoothly to undo the clasp of Cas’ pants, and with a little wriggling around and a quick motion, the pants were off.

Dean’s eyes darkened with want as he took in the sight of Cas completely naked and vulnerable, spread out below him. His hand brushed over Cas’ chest, closing his eyes as he let their emotions mingle, trying to push this feeling of absolute love towards Cas.

And then somehow they were kissing again, and Cas had flipped them so that he was straddling Dean. The kisses were hard and bruising, at some point changing from I-love-you to I-need-you. Cas managed to remove Dean’s pants almost faster than Dean had done - and then their naked bodies pressed together, nothing between them.

Dean gasped as his aching cock was freed from it’s confines, only to be rubbed against Cas’ bare skin. He reached down between their bodies, grinning against his lover’s lips as he heard a soft moan when he took Cas’ hardness in his hand. He realised the angel was just as turned on as he was, sliding his thumb over the wet slick of precum that covered the head.

“Dean,” Cas gasped and protested in the one word. “ _ **Dean**_ ”

“Shh, I know angel.” Dean murmured in his ear, now kissing the side of his neck. “Soon.”

He gave a few experimental strokes - he’d never done this, but he knew what he liked, so he went with that - and kept rubbing his thumb over the head of his cock, spreading the slick with each stroke. Cas dropped his head to rest on his shoulder, panting heavily.

“What do you want?” Dean whispered, his voice low and husky.

“You, Dean.” Cas answered, his voice trembling. “I want you to make me yours.”

Dean literally growled at his response, flipping them suddenly so that he was on top again. Cas gasped in surprise, then watched Dean as he reached over to the bedside table and pulled out a small bottle.

“Lube,” Dean explained in a whisper as he spread the liquid over his hand. “Makes things a lot better.”

Cas nodded, understanding dawning in his eyes. He couldn’t hide the nervousness, though, as Dean knelt between his legs and gently pushed his thighs apart. Dean looked up for a moment, meeting his eyes.

“Do you trust me?” He repeated Cas’ words from days before.

Cas’ eyes softened, and he nodded, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I trust you,” He mirrored.

Then Dean was gently pressing a finger into his hole, and it felt... strange, he had to admit. He shifted his hips around, trying to get comfortable with the intrusion. A hand on his hip stilled his movement, and he looked back into his hunters eyes.

“Relax. Just go with it.” Dean told him. “I’ve done this myself and I promise it gets better.”

“You’ve done this yourself?” Cas echoed, watching the blush spread across Dean’s cheeks at the admission. “You have to tell me abo- ah!”

A grin spread across Dean’s face as he found that perfect little soul melting spot inside Cas’ ass, his finger rubbing across it again. Cas moaned throatily, his eyes falling shut as his back arched slightly.

He circled his finger around, his other hand coming up to wrap around Cas’ cock again. That brought a series of moans falling from Cas’ parted lips as his two hands moved together, and Dean was besotted by the sight before him.

“God you’re gorgeous, Cas,” He murmured, just as he pressed a second finger inside.

“De..Dean...” Cas stuttered, then fell silent, words failing him.

For the next several minutes all he could feel was pleasure coursing through his body, and love, and lust, and about a million other emotions. This physical plus emotional connection was beautiful torture, and he was soon feeling his abdomen tighten.

“ _Dean_ ,” He managed to gasp out. “Dean please...”

Dean didn’t ask, or make him beg. He knew.

Cas cried out softly as the touch was removed, his eyes flying open. But he found he wasn’t disappointed as Dean spread himself out over him, his hands bracing himself on the bed either side of his head. He could feel the tip of Dean’s cock just barely brushing his entrance, but he didn’t move just yet.

Dean’s arms shook as he looked down at the angel, feeling shivers of anticipation wrack through his body. Cas was holding onto his upper arms, looking up at him with such love and devotion that it nearly brought him to tears.

He slowly, carefully pushed forward, feeling the tight ring of muscle give way, and then he was enveloped in the most amazing heat. A deep groan left his lips as he carefully moved in short thrusts, each one bringing him deeper until finally, finally he bottomed out. Cas moaned deeply and he was dimly aware of nails digging into his arms as he stayed still, panting with the exertion of holding back.

“ _Damn_ , Cas... You feel amazing...”

He hadn’t broken eye contact the whole time, waiting for some sign that Cas was comfortable enough to really start moving. He gave that acknowledgement now, nodding slowly as his hands loosened.

“Dean please, I can’t.. I won’t...”

“Shh, angel. I’m not gonna last long either.” Dean huffed with a low chuckle.

He started to move, slowly at first, then speeding up to set a comfortable rhythm for them both. Cas arched up into his arms, groaning every time Dean bottomed out inside him. The sounds he was making set Dean’s nerves on fire, making it extremely difficult to hold back and be gentle.

Cas was running his hands everywhere he could touch, over his arms, over his chest, around his neck. Every touch sent fire from his abdomen down to his balls, and soon he was crying out in earnest, begging Cas to touch him, hold him, don’t let go.

He felt the pressure start to tighten in his belly and moved faster, his thrusts starting to become erratic. Cas’ body responded, trying to meet him, their movements becoming almost desperate.

“Cas... Cas I’m- Close...” He grunted, sweat pouring down his forehead and onto Cas’s skin, where his head rested on his shoulder.

“Yes... yes, dean... want to feel you come in me...” Cas moaned, then suddenly pulled Dean’s body down on his, hard.

The movement crushed Cas’ cock in between their moving bodies, bringing a delicious friction that almost ended him right there. His arms snaked around Dean’s back, struggling to find purchase on the sweat slicked skin. Then his fingers curled, nails dug in, and Dean gave a sudden hard thrust inside him, his cock pulsing.

They both cried out in ecstasy as they spilled almost simultaneously, pressed together in what seemed a timeless embrace. Cas’ nails dragged deep red lines down his back as he shuddered, caught in the orgasm.

Eventually the intensity faded and dean collapsed on top of the angel, gasping for breath. It was only then that he heard Cas whispering his name, over and over in a hushed chant of love.

“Cas,” He whispered, pressing soft kisses to that little spot on his collarbone.

Cas whimpered quietly, his hands running up and down Dean’s back gently as he slowly stopped calling his lovers name.

They lay there for awhile, long enough for it to become uncomfortable. Dean shifted off Cas, and used a towel that had been shoved to the side to clean the sticky come off them both. Then he laid on his back, and pulled Cas’ head to rest on his chest in a post-sex lovers embrace. His free hand ran gently through the messy hair, tugging here and there to put the strands back into place.

“Damn, Cas.” He whispered once he caught his breath. “Damn. That was amazing. And- I love you so much.”

“Say it again?” Cas whispered into his chest.

Dean’s arm tightened around him, feeling a surge in his chest stronger than anything ever before. It was something he’d felt all along, but now, without the rest of the emotions holding it back, he knew it for what it was.

“I love you, Castiel.”

A soft sigh escaped the angel and he closed his eyes, so much relief and hope in that little sound.

“I love you too, Dean.”

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine

Sam arrived home at exactly ten past seven that night. Cas looked sideways at Dean, hands stilling on the salad he was preparing as he heard a deep engine rumble coming through the bunker from the garage. Dean shot him a small, reassuring smile as he wiped his own hands on a kitchen towel.

"Sounds like Sammy's home."

Cas just nodded, his eyes showing a fearful kind of doubt.

"Hey," Dean dropped his voice, soothing as he took Castiel's hand. "It'll be fine."

Cas took a deep breath and nodded again, not trusting himself for words. The two had spent the rest of the afternoon talking, and though they had both spoken to Sam about what was going on with them, he was still a little fearful of Sam's reaction to their relationship once they were face to face.

"I can go and meet him first?" Dean offered, feeling Cas' hesitation through their linked hands.

"Thankyou, Dean." Cas sighed, relief flooding through their bond. "I will continue preparing the leaves until you return."

"Salad, Cas. It's salad." Dean grinned and pressed an un-dean-like kiss to his cheek, then let go of his hand and left the kitchen.

As soon as he left the room dean frowned, feeling the loss sharply. He and Cas had barely seperated all day, and now the distance felt almost like a physical pain. Odd.

He made it to the garage door just as Sam came barreling out, pulling the door shut behind him. Dean froze, Castiel's nervousness seeming to settle in his own chest as his brother turned to look at him.

"Dean!"

A smile cracked Sam's face and he pulled his brother in for a crushing hug. Dean patted his back, chuckling awkwardly.

"Hey, Sammy. Um. It's only been a few days, man."

"I know, I know." Sam laughed and let him go. "Just, you look happier. It's great. Really great."

"O-Kay," Dean stretched the last part out, slightly weirded out by the affectionate behaviour. "Uh, so, welcome home and all, just wanted to check with you-"

"Where's Cas?" Sam cut him off, frowning as he looked around.

"What? Oh, kitchen. Anyway-"

"Oh, okay." Sam cut him off again, irritating Dean. "Before we go meet him, I better show you, I uh, I brought someone with me, and.."

"Who did you bring?" Cas' voice cut across them both.

"Cas!" Sam yelled, knocking dean out of the way to pull the angel in for a bone-crushing hug. "Cas you look so much better-"

"SAM!" Dean cut him off, stopping the endless babble. "Who. Did. You. Bring."

"Umm... Right." Sam sighed and pushed the door to the garage open.

Dean and Cas peered into the dark garage curiously, trying to see something. A moment later a very little something came shooting out, barreling straight into Cas with enough force to push him back before Dean could stop it. He was halfway through pulling his gun when he froze, held off by the sound of a childish squeal.

" _Dada_!"

"Um. Sam?" Cas asked, a tremor in his voice as he opened his arms a little to reveal a small toddler clinging to his neck. A certain toddler with blonde hair and fading, golden eyes.

"Cas, Dean... Meet Jack." Sam answered quietly, his lips quirking into a smile.

The three adults were silent for a moment, staring at the little boy in Castiel's arms who seemed determined to pull Cas' hair out at the roots.

"Well damn." Dean huffed, running a hand over his face. "Wait. Jack- Jack's only six months old, Sam. _That is not a six month old."_

"Yes, um, well funny thing is, apparently if he wants something, he just does it. And he wanted to walk. And climb, and grab things. So he grew." Sam rubbed the back of his head with a nervous chuckle. "Actually it was the day I arrived, he decided to, um, grow. I'd guess he's just shy of a two year old?"

"He grew. Just like that, huh." Dean shook his head. "Freakin antichrist."

" _Dean_." Sam admonished with a frown, glancing at Cas. "Cas, man, you okay?"

Dean looked at Castiel then, annoyed at himself for not noticing that Cas hadn't spoken yet. Cas was still staring down at the child in his arms, and the boy stared back, his eyes still glowing faintly. Dean inched closer, reaching out to his angel.

"Cas? Buddy? You okay?"

He reached out and touched Cas' bare arm, then gasped softly as images flooded his mind. Memories, really, of Jody, Claire, Alex and mom, from a low vantage point as they laughed and smiled, talked and played games. It was Jack, he realised, showing Cas his life up til now. Last he saw the scene that had just happened, like an instant replay in his head. Only with it he felt such intense joy that it brought tears to his eyes. Half of it he knew was from Cas - the other half was unfamiliar but he quickly identified it as being from Jack - and there was no evil in it. Only pure, sweet innocence and love.

* * *

"We'll need one of those tall restraint chairs." Cas mused quietly, an hour later.

They were all sitting at the table eating the roast chicken, vegetables and salad that Cas and Dean had prepared. Jack was sitting on Castiel's knee, scrunching his face as Dean tried to feed him a small piece of carrot.

"A high chair." Dean corrected, though Cas' way of explaining items still amused him. "We can get one tomorrow. And a cot. Or maybe a little bed, instead."

Sam was just watching and listening with a small smile on his face. Dean was being positively domestic, and it was a beautiful - albeit unusual - thing to see.

"C'mon little dude, eat the carrot." Dean tried again, but Jack batted his hand away.

"Uckle!" Jack squealed, trying to hit the spoon. "Uckle, Uckle!"

"The hell?" Dean frowned, then rolled his eyes at a chorus of ' _DEAN_!'. "What's an Uckle?"

"Uh, that'd be, um, me." Sam responded, flushing with embarrassment at the name. "I tried to get him to say uncle..."

There was a moment's quiet, then Dean burst out laughing. After a few seconds Cas joined in with a soft chuckle, and even jack started little squeals and giggles.

"Alright then, Uckle. Why don't you try?"

Sam shot a glare at his brother, but his expression softened as he cut a piece of carrot and leaned across the table, offering it to Jack. The boy ate it with no troubles, but balked at a second helping and shook his head crankily.

"Dada!" He squealed, trying to squirm around to face Cas.

Dean was stunned momentarily at the look that came over Castiel's face. He'd never seen the angel light up with that kind of pure, unfiltered joy and love. Cas was practically glowing with happiness as he fed Jack a bite of his dinner, and Dean realised something. _'I want to see him look like that forever.'_

But he didn't have long to ponder, because apparently they were playing musical spoons. Jack looked at him, and a puzzled expression seemed to cross his face.

"Da..." Jack tried, scrunching his nose up.

"Dean." Cas spoke softly, encouraging Jack to say his name.

But Jack just gave him a look that could have been described as exasperated, and tried again.

"Daaaa..."

Dean held up a bit of chicken on the spoon, keeping it just out of reach with a little grin.

"C'mon little dude, you can do it."

Jack scrunched up his face again, seeming frustrated, then looked at Cas, and back at Dean. Dean glanced up at Cas, feeling his heart squeeze again at the look on his face - and suddenly Jack's expression cleared, as though he hadn't been struggling with how to say the word, just what to call him. But he could feel the bond between Cas and Dean, and now he knew.

"Daddeeee!" He squealed, flapping his arms.

The whole room went quiet as Jack grabbed the spoon and bit the chicken off it, munching happily. Cas and Dean just stared at each other in a shocked silence.

"Huh." Sam grunted, grinning slightly as he looked at the three on the other side of the table. "Guess the kid's smarter than he lets on."

"Guess so." Dean whispered quietly, giving the boys hand a little squeeze.

Cas beamed at him, and he felt tears prick at his eyes again. He felt like the luckiest man alive - he had a family, a real little family, him and Cas and Sam and Jack - and nobody would take that away from them.

His heart swelled as they continued their 'musical spoons' game.

"I love you." He murmured gently to Cas.

"I love you, too." Cas answered.

And everything was perfect.

* * *

_A/N - Thanks for sticking with me through this story, and thankyou for the comments! It makes me so happy, my heart is fluffy. Which is probably why this last chapter is a bit fluffy haha._

_Sorry it took so long to update. My writing app crashed, I couldn't get into it, and it was only today it stayed open just long enough to grab most of what I'd written, so here it is! This is the end, I only ever planned on this being a short fix with a happy ending - but hopefully I'll be starting on another one soon._

_And again, thankyou for sticking with me on this. I feel like my writing isn't as good as it used to be, but getting better._


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